Since I was three CPTSD has truly affected me.
Battling judgement, public shaming, whispers behind my back and not allowing me to see. Would truly trigger the suicide idealisation often in me.
Out of the three definitely judging is the worst for me ,all stemming from my family tree.
Words tripping out your mouth and making me flee, to wanting to be part of another family tree, the Hannah’s provided that for me, when I really was the escapee, up and down the Valley. So nobody could see the Shame in me. Fear holding, relieve on a turning door handle and then a giggle, with my bestie and Me.
What you see is a smile, sometimes a glimpse of a bruise, but truly you only see what you want you to see and not the pain deep within me. Stifling Life and Me. Screaming inside and out, yet nobody comes to rescue me from this Life given to me and often said I was the mistake that drove me to wishing I was dead. All from the age of three. No longer a lucky number for me. Red pouring out the anger in Me.
Hoping and praying it will be taken from me, begging, wishing and intrusive thoughts and thinking I had schizophrenia you see, that was the darkness in me. No words! Just Me!
Learning, pretending, overcompensating so that Love would follow me and glimmers of just liking me. Chatting, quite, timid, introvert and extrovert for a Ching of light in loving me. Just please come and rescue me and get me off this Family Tree.
Now forty years have gone and I’ve found that inner voice in me and now it’s sharing and caring for that inner child in me, that got lost at three. From misunderstanding the complexities of me and no longer my Family Tree, I’m Free to just love Me and build my own Tree, the hairy Bairns and a Therapist or Three, chipping away to find who is Me. Skipping, tripping, spacing, Trauma blanking me out that was truly me not loving me. Doom, Gloom, Boom, World War 3. Not much, 1, 2 and Three life is getting better now I See the better version of Me and I whisper to myself I Love Me!
Colours now replaced by Blue and Green and now not so mean ,to the bold yellow and feeling Mellow.The Mindful practise , camera snapping ,educating to be the best version of who I can Be, so don’t you dare judge Me,I’m not just all that you see, it’s just a bit more Complex for Me!.
Thank You for reading this piece about me, if you are struggling don’t wait.
Count to three and shout please Help Me!