Can’t Wait! by Laura

This week on the blog we have a piece from long-term Mind Waver, Laura. This is such a relatable one about the worries that can accompany ‘going out’, and the fear and negative thoughts that are all too common when you live with social anxiety.

I wanted to share and see if anyone else does this, I do know Tyson Fury does after watching his recent documentary on Netflix. So, I see things: events, concerts etc. I buy tickets already in my excited head. Mentally, I get dressed and do my whole practise run. All of that social awkwardness and fear just slowly dripping in my head. I’m already feeling annoyed and my inner critic is now ruminating and self-sabotaging.

I tell myself that the event is months away and I can work towards it. I tell myself that I cannot to waste money. Drip. Drip. Drip. That self doubt dripping so loudly I feel deafened by it. Drowning in annoyance towards my inner self.

The countdown is on. I’ve checked my outfit at least a dozen times. Now the day has arrived. The joy is now completely extinguished and the fear is got its full grip on my amygdala. Pre Frontal Cortex. I am now in complete fight or flight mode.

I decide that I cant. It’s like the burden has just been offloaded. A few tears of shame for getting so upset. And then it begins. I message and share to Facebook to give away my tickets tickets for free because I want someone to enjoy what I cannot. I get to see what they see.

So, then I get changed into my pj’s. Order a takeaway as a reward for what some would say was a failure. I don’t see it that way. It shows me that my self compassion work is keeping me safe and that’s real growth. I step back into the ring to fight #SocialAnxiety another day. Another concert. The times I do make it are so awesome and special. My favourites are when I can also view and capture the event  on my camera and have gratitude for the people who supported me. Seeing is believing!

Laura has written loads of brilliant posts for Mind Waves over the years, and if you enjoyed this one as much as I did, make sure to check out her other posts. Start with her thoughts on loneliness or maybe try her piece about Equanimity

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